This is a hard place.....

Ben told me today I needed to post.....you know what though it's hard to come here and do it.  It reminds me that not much is happening with the adoption.  We are still waiting.  Waiting for that silly little piece of paper.  Just a stinkin' paper.  A paper that says yep you check out.  Everything you said on your pre-approval is right.  You are healthy, you have a job, you can love and support this child.  I just want to scream.  What is taking so long.  Why are others getting their ok before us.  We are on day 76 but honestly it didn't get real hard until this last week.  I can't really tell you why.  It might be that friends of ours that started their adoption at the same time is already home holding their boy (please don't read into that....I am sooo happy for them.  More happy then any of you know.  So please don't think I'm not) or if it is just the holiday season.

I always knew that it would be tough.  Not impossible but very very unlikely that we would be holding him before Christmas but there was still hope.  Today I was decorating a fake tree (my sister can't make it to Christmas so we are celebrating with her on thanksgiving) and an email came through.  Ashley sent me a link to youtube and it said don't watch at work.  I thought it was about an orphanage but instead it was a song from Third Day.  I think the combination of decorating at that moment and of listening to this song just put me over the edge.  I need him.  I want him home now.  I don't want to wait another sec. and yet I know at this point we won't be traveling until Feb if we are lucky. 

I feel like this holiday season a huge part of the family is missing.  I know to some this sounds crazy.  I have yet to meet this boy.  I don't think I can explain it to you unless you have felt it.  He is part of me.  He is loved.  He is wanted and most of all He is our boy already and forever. 

Caleb I pray  that you know us in your heart.....somehow....someway...you know that you are loved by parents you have never met.  I would do anything to hold you and have you home surrounded by your family for Christmas.  Be ready buddy because next year we will CELEBRATE!!!